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Jan. 27th, 2010

Cato play with my head I won't know the difference
If we're living in the novelist or statistician
Cato mess with my concepts, my innervision
Like a strobing light please confuse my every decision

I can't even pretend that you are my friend
What has happened to you and I and don't say that I have changed
Cause man of course I have
Are you far too depressed now to even answer the phone
I guess you just want to shave your head, have a drink and be left alone.
There is always something about Winter Break that brings back memories, old friends and nostalgic feelings. Austin and I were having a conversation not too long ago, where he said that the cold weather made him think of us, back in the day. I agreed and probably always will agree because the winter time in florida brings me back to the glory days, the best days of my life. Years that went by so fast, even though the days went so slow. I felt immortal, invincible, nothing could touch us and we could be forever young. Well, obviously, those days have past. Everyone is growing up and moving on with their lives. Starting to grow out of highschool friends before they move away for college. I feel that since i'm a few years older, I already moved on from my highschool friends and found my family. But, things can't work the same for them, this is the process that I have already gone through and didn't expect to go through again. But it's a part of the cycle, and I need to accept it. The truth is, I love my family. I always will, those few years and that group of people will have a piece of my heart until i'm dead. The days of my life, the time of my life, I never want to forget it. Then, there is my new family. My older friends, friends i've made on my own...seperate from my youth. The family i have created entering adult hood. And my male and female counterparts are moving to Minnesota. Jesse considers him and I to be one person, He's the guy and i'm the girl but other than that we are one. Ashley and I consider each other to be twins in our own right. She is everything I am and everything I'm not. And vise versa. So it interesting that my boy twin, and my girl twin would end up together. But now, they're leaving me here and I already feel alone. They haven't even left yet. It has slowly been hitting me the past few days and I already see the mess i'm going to be when they're gone. Something else that bothers me about this is that every guy I get close to, goes away. I can't expect anyone to stay in my life forever although it isn't impossible, but I feel like the relationships are too short-lived because if you ask me about any of them, I will still say that I love them all. Matt, Enid, Alex, Marek, Jesse etc... I have had different types of relationships with all of them, obviously. But I feel like I can't keep them for very long. Maybe I'm not supposed to. Maybe I come into their lives for a reason, and once that reason is fulfilled I need to make my exit or the other way around. Maybe that is just how it works with everyone.
I have to say, 2009 was an interesting year. I don't think i'll ever forget it. So much has happened, so much has changed, I have changed. There are memories forever burned into my brain, still so raw and fresh, like an open wound that happened just an hour ago. I close my eyes and see my memories. I listen to songs, they still make me cry but it's okay, my memories are allowed to do that. It just means they meant something. I welcome in a new year with new experiments, experiences and adventures. Bring it on.

I'm stuck on this Album.
Everything is rapidly changing. My plans to move out with Jesse have been foiled. He got a job in Minnesota and he and Ashley are moving there a few days after the new year. I may take the trip up with them and fly back before school starts but i'm not sure I want to be a thrid wheel for a long road trip. I shouldn't feel that way because they're my best friends but one makes it harder for all three of us to hangout because shes jealous. Ugh, anyway...

winter break is here, I miss my friends. The winter always reminds me of those years. I'm going to get a tattoo in honor of dhk. A period of my life and a number of people who I want to remember forever.
I'm free. I get to sleep soon. Wonderful :)

Dec. 9th, 2009

I'm sitting here in the photo lab and I just want to write. I just smoked with this Graduate student named Gabriel. He want's my dick, to put it bluntly. I'm not being cocky or full of myself, he has made it known. And it's funny because the more I don't pay attention to him, the more he tries to talk to me. He's made a few sad and cheesy attempts. Anyway, I decided to be nice today, I'm not feeling like ignoring anyone today. If he wants to talk, i'll talk. It's all good. We went to his car to smoke a bowl, and I was talking about how much I loved photography. We're scientists in our own right. Darkroom photography is art and science as one. It's beautiful, and magical yet completely logical at the same time. It's technical and conceptual at the same time. I get to take classes on light?! Color?! Are you kidding me? It's amazing and I am in love with what I do. I feel so sorry for those lives who lack a serious passion for something. Creative or not, passion. Where you don't feel like it's work, and when you love something so much you wont give up until it's proved to be impossible.

Moving on, I have some new self portraits. I'm going to do a series.

My collage series on "I'm Wide Awake It's morning" is coming along although I won't have a piece for every song by the end of the semester. I'm hoping to do two more to have 6. I will finish this series over the break though, it's too beautiful to abandon. I just finished my manipulative photo final and it's beautiful as well. They're dark and a play off of sweeney todd. I am in love, have been at school since 930 this morning, it is now 3:50am and I finished them. Austin is my muse.
After months and months of being affected by it, I can finally say this; Fuck you, Fuck off, Fuck yourself, in the nicest way possible. I mean none of those things in a bad way, it is just my way of saying that I am no longer hurt. I honestly do love and care. I wish the best and hope happiness will someday find you and stick with you. I was one of the only ones who has had the same love and respect since the beginning and I always will, no matter what has or may happen. But after countless tears, countless songs ruined, and countless disappointments, I am okay. I am happy. I have people who know how to give love and keep that love, instead of only loving in the evening and by the morning it's gone.

Life is hard, complicated and unfair. But at the exact same time, it is beautiful, harmless and simple. It is everything and nothing at the same time. I have learned from my latest journey that simplicity is something to be cherished. So is complexity. Everything has an opposite, everything has a balance in some way. Good and bad, right and wrong, love and hate, black and white, etc...

The best things in life are free. Friendships, and nature. That is what I love the most in this world. I will try my hardest to be a friend to those in need of one, no matter how much the person might bother me. And the people that I truly love and adore, will always have my heart. Always. That love doesn't just go away, I don't care what you might have done to me. If I loved you once I can love you again if I choose. And I choose to love, not hate. Lover, not a fighter. I only fight out of love, fight those who I love. Nothing is worth fighting for if you don't have love and passion for it. Love love love love loveeeeeeeeeeeee

I'm so happy, even when things go wrong. At the end of the day, none of the bad matters. I don't care about the negative, there will always be negative. The positive is what makes it worth it. So, on a positive note, I love you regardless of what has happened. I only wish you could learn to say the same to me.
Dear Freefall_oo,

I'm getting older, I am moving forward with my adult life and leaving behind the fun-filled years of my youth.I have meant no harm, I am just no longer going to respond to; things that I consider to be nothing more than boredom with ones own life, things plagued by jealously, or simply just trying to start something and create a problem so there is something interesting to talk about.

My world does not revolve around anybody, and I am not going to give the reaction expected of me. I am done chasing friends, done make attempts, receiving one worded answers or bitchy responses because things don't go ones way. I am doing my own thing, I am living and learning and understanding things more and more. I have virtually no time to myself anymore but I love every second of it. Every night is something new, every night is filled with company. I love having Jesse around even though he's trouble (in a fantastic way), he's a breath of fresh air. I am at school every day of the week, and sometimes I am here for ridiculous amounts of time. I am building closer relationships with the people I see on a daily basis and loving them more and more. I still think about the close group of friends I once had, and still have love for all of them. If they don't believe that, so be it but I am not going to try and prove myself anymore, if one want to be friends, lets be friends. It is that simple.

I understand now, things change. People come in and out of your life, and we never know when it will end. It isn't a sad thing, it isn't anything to be upset over, it is just life and it goes on. Even if you have someone in your life only for a season, they were there for a reason. (Rhyme completely unintentional) To learn from, whether the experience is good or bad. I learned so much from all of you about life and myself, one person in particular and I want them to know that I am at peace with the way they entered and left my life. I want to thank you, for everything I gained from you. There will forever be love and respect for you, so thank you. I know what you were trying to tell me, I was just caught in the undertow and unable to free myself. I am free, and see the ocean from the shore, I look out and see nothing but beauty once again. If we happen to wash up on the same island, I will greet you with a hug and a smile.

I have said all I need to say here, goodbye and good luck.
Second 2ce trip yesterday, and I again, had no hard hallucinations- even with the bigger dose. I suppose Ari is just misimformed about his product. Whatever, the effects that I do get from this drug, are tactile. Purley tactile.

I couldn't stop touching things.
We painted each other, and everything else.
I had a great time.